I knew I was God!..

November 30, 2009

God and I. We had words.

August 18, 2009

I drew myself today.

And it felt rather good. Don’t know why I was afraid of doing it, kept postponing and procrastinating. I felt relieved, back in something real, back in somewhere honest.

 And yes, I am going to God. It isn’t easy. I would have given up, if there were anywhere better to go. I guess I am supposed to say “going BACK to God”, except that I don’t have any recollections of home.

I don’t think being with God has anything to do with being moral. Morality is of our human making, therefore it is very subjective. Also morality is inherently judgemental. While God is all-encompassing and all-accepting. What I want to say is, my giving in to God doesn’t mean I am going to be all nice and fluffy from now on. On the contrary, I feel like it might get rather nasty until I get through this intermediate bit.

Yesterday I, for some reason, had a major wobbly in this Course. Really, have had enough! If this ambiguous Christ character were anywhere near me, I would have enjoyed hammering a couple of nails into him myself. Why be so enigmatic? Why keep talking in a language which is open to all sorts of interpretations? Why can’t he explain things in a straight forward way once and for all? Is there any straight forward way to explain things? If not, is there a problem with the idea itself perhaps? Or what?

And it keeps saying, that we are not the body. Neither the mind. All is illusion around us. We are illusion, except that bit inside, which is indestructible, so forget about the body, it is only an illusion. If something or somebody harms it, it isn’t really happening. Just ignore it. So, do I understand it right, that if something chops a bit off you, if only you can not believe into the harm being done, the harm won’t be done, hence the bit chopped off will grow back momentarily? If this isn’t what was meant in this Course in Miracles, not literally, then what is exactly the purpose of this Course – to make the mind let go of the illusion of Life and the Life itself? Is the return to the Source only possible by discharging the Body, or at least giving up on its conventional functions/interactions?

Right. Once I am ready to die, I’ll die and know the truth anyway. And until then I am going to enjoy as best I can what I’ve got – the body, the illusion of the world around me – warts and all. If I got it, might as well make the best of it. And if it all is so illusionary and not real and no good, then why issuing it out in the first place?!

That was more or less my yesterday’s wobbly, minus hysterics, tears and snot. But today, as I said, I am going to God. Because is there anywhere better to go?..

…and a teacher

April 22, 2009

Looking for a structure is linked up with a search for the spiritual teacher. I am looking. Or waiting.

Another thing which was a barrier on my way of accepting the spiritual nature of my search is my association of the word “spiritual” with all sorts of creepy sects, people with mental problems, dancing and chanting in some cellars and then setting themselves collectively on fire or such like… Well, they are out there still, but that’s not what the spirituality is about. Same way as if someone puts a beret on his head and grows a beard and assumes an absent, dreamy look on their face, that doesn’t make them an artist. Seems simple now, but took me long time to sort the things out. I am a naive peasant girl, after all!