Starting Again Again

October 28, 2014

Etching by Marina Kim

“Tightrope”

When one starts something new, everything resists. Material resists, environment resists, one’s own mind resists… Why? I don’t know but this is so.

And so, one has to push through resistance to get to the enjoyable sailing. Like with learning anything, for example a new language, at the beginning all is slow and annoying and incomprehensible before one begins to understand the logic and words get pulled along on a string of it, one word after another.

I find myself starting things all the time. I start and abandon and start again and then start again AGAIN. There is a reason to that and soon all shall be revealed. And for now, I am starting again yet again…

For a few days now, I am pondering a poem “Living” by Denise Levertov. This is a commission. And it is making me to re-think, re-concider, re-choose and re-start. So, I created the appearance of this commission to weave seamlessly into my art-life flow. Fine then.

And so far, it is too verbose. I feel I have to go very empty to convey the meaning of the poem, but on my sheet of paper there soooo much stufffff! I want to chop it up and burn it…

Living

 

The fire in leaf and grass
so green it seems
each summer the last summer.

The wind blowing, the leaves
shivering in the sun,
each day the last day.

A red salamander
so cold and so
easy to catch, dreamily

moves his delicate feet
and long tail. I hold
my hand open for him to go.

Each minute the last minute.

 

I don’t agree with some of his conclusions, like the one below, for instance. But this one I do agree with.

14 Excellent Parenting Tips From Louis CK

It’s hard having kids because it’s boring.

On teaching:  Now, implementing it all of the time is a bit tricky… Right there, I think, he is talking to himself. I’d be talking to myself in this same situation. I am talking to myself all of the time anyway, and that is exactly what I usually say. To myself.

14 Excellent Parenting Tips From Louis CK.

Louis CK on Boredom.

14 Excellent Parenting Tips From Louis CK.

Vibrational Capital Dream

February 1, 2014

Last night I had another of my fable-dreams.

dream interpretation

“It’s that same dream, where I’m drowning in a bowl of noodles.”

I am receiving a payment for a portrait commission, and I seem to be remembering that it was Will I Am who commissioned me (Wow!!! Wouldn’t it be cool!!!). The payment is in cash, £18000. I feel really pleased and excited to have all this money, which is wrapped loosely in three newsprint bundles.

I have one or two (can’t remember, or perhaps the number varied from moment to moment) male partners with me. I share my joy and excitement with them and there is a slight feeling of wanting to see them joyous with me/for me and pleased with me/for me. I guess this is something I am internally working with at this time – wanting to please others.

The money seem to go to the group pot, meaning – we share it.

Then, we are in a street, standing by a car, ready to leave. Another car approaches and a man comes out. He and my partner(s) get embroiled in an argument. There is an understanding that this is an ongoing affair – it started sometime ago and not likely to end soon. They shout at each other and it is looking to get really violent. I am rushing to my partner to talk him out of this conflict, pulling at his sleeve, but he is ignoring me. I feel a bit scared, but more than that, I feel anxious that I will loose my money which at this moment got tossed aside and lying on the side of the road by some bushes.

I realise that my attempts to stop the fight are futile and I’d be better off to take care of money and leave them to it.

At this point in my dream, I am half-dreaming, at the same time conscious. I don’t want to leave the dream in this unresolved state, so I make a decision to stir it towards a positive conclusion. In my dream, I get the money bundles (making sure not to attract too much attention of the quarrelling people) and get into the car. Lock the doors. I sitting in the car and thinking, perhaps it would be even better to run away from this place all together…

Here the dream ends, somewhere between me sitting inside a locked car and me dashing out and away to where there are buildings and people. In any case, I feel my intention/decision: I’ve got the money. I am relatively safe.

I relayed my dream to Tim. He wasn’t sure what was the meaning of it I was so excited about. So, I had to explain the symbolism of it the way I saw it at that time:

Lately I am getting somewhere positive with my work on directing my vibrational/emotional state. Those who are familiar with the teachings of Abraham Hicks and Bashar or The Secret will understand what I am talking about. I guess, the majority of the students of these teachings at some point feel really frustrated by feeling “being stuck”, not getting much beyond theory of it all. But then it comes. Gradually, slowly  it gets better, and that’s where I feel I am now – first steps out of the fog.

I see the money I got for the commission as a symbol of my emotional/vibrational capital. I worked hard for it, I earned it. This is my security, my reward, my stability. My gold I pined for. I am in partnership with some other persons and I accept that we share my wages, or in other words, we share our emotional/vibrational wealth. But then the conflict happens, and they are focused on it and hence, are about to loose our (at that stage it is “our”) money.

There are two options for me here – to get dragged into this stale and stupid affair for the sake of some perceived ties ( read: partnership, friendship, love, loyalty), or cut all of that out, claim the money, i.e. my vibrational capital, for myself and retreat to a place of safety.

In my border-state of awakenness I am sort of aware of the symbolism of the dream and I decide to give it a happy ending. Of course, a happy ending is a matter of perspective too. From a point of view of a certain set of values, a happy ending would be to forget the money, get into the fight, save the mate and walk into the sunset drugging the bloodied bloke on one’s shoulder. Love triumphs. So, it is interesting, but not eye-opening, to see what I myself see as a happy ending.

The way the dream ends I see as another dilemma which I am still undecided about – whether to sit it out in a car, although basically stick with the guys, or to make a runner altogether. Now, post-factum, I’d rather leg it.

Points I like about this dream:

  • I have a vibrational capital!
  • I made a decision to be free from self-imposed bonds!
  • I once again experienced linking dream-state and awake-state!

Happy Chinese New Year!

February 1, 2014

2014 - The Year of Horse

2014 – The Year of Horse

Yesterday, we were having an ordinary family supper, admittedly, with a little wine. Nothing out of our usual routine. It was only Alina(10) with us, as Eva(12) went to a sleepover at Jades. Tim raised his glass and said “Cheers!”. We all cheered and went on about our supper, when Alina solemnly said: “Might I suggest that we celebrate a Chinese New Year today”… I adore this little girl! She can be so unexpectedly funny sometimes 🙂

Mind you, she is not that little any more!

It is such a joy – to watch your own child grow. And every time it comes to my attention, I feel so happy that I am lucky enough to have it. We often take it for granted, my dear friends 🙂 … Although yes, sometimes, very rarely, they can be a pain in the arse!

So, Nappy Chinese New Year of the Wooden Horse!

Wooden horse

Wooden Horse

 

I have a dream…

May 1, 2013

I store it all.

And then, there’ll come a time when I sit down on my little island and write my book.

The words will come to me and lay themselves down into lives, emotions, characters, destinies and stories. And spells.

I’ll weave my magic carpet with secret symbols, and hidden messages, with rivers and mountains of energy flowing in and out, consuming a reader, enchanting, changing, transforming….

(Diary entry on February 16, 2010)

Seagull

April 30, 2013

Today, I was looking at the seagull, who lives on top of the chimney 4 metres outside my window, and seeing it for the first time.

It lives on it’s own. There is no room for another one on that perch. It was sleeping with it’s beak on it’s back, sitting so that a light afternoon breeze would slide along its feathers.

The gull looked very handsome and serene and wise. I remembered other times when I admired their idle wisdom, their godly confidence that everything is perfectly alright – no need to fret.

By and by, I decided to unclutter my studio in order to clear path for some new things. Doing so, I found an old notepad with a few diary entries, one of them about seagulls…

February 16, 2010
“The seagulls, they despise us, did you notice?

They laugh at us, looking down on us in their arrogant bemusement, and crapping on us every now and then as if saying: “Yeah? What are you going to do about it, miserable pathetic gits, leading incomprehensible frantic lives, fretting, rushing about down there?”

But of course, they won’t go into the pain of saying all that, because words and thoughts are far too bulky and clumsy to bother. They simply look down at us, bemused.

They don’t clatter their space, as we do. They have a clear unobstructed view from where they are – on the roof-tops, in the air.

“Those creatures down there, – think they – Those which crawl about those complex structures they build to live in – it is curious to observe them occasionally. They often carry food about them. Fun to raid! One has to be cautious, they aren’t as easily predictable as other animals. Overall they are fearful and timid, but every now and then one comes across an agressive specimen…”

When you catch a sight of a seagull gliding on an air-flow, watch it for a while. Notice, it does nothing. There is no need in that act, only pure pleasure…

The blasted thing spends  hours doing nothing, simply enjoying itself!

On the Road to God

April 30, 2013

August 18, 2009 I wrote:

“Yes, I am going back to God.
It isn’t easy, and I’d have given up if there were anywhere better to go…”

F****! It is 2013 and I am still in the same shit! I am so tired. I want to be home already…