Answers come always

July 22, 2015

About synchronicity and how the answers come to me.

I actually have known for a very long time that answers come to me in unexpected ways – I only need to become aware of the question. It is fun to register the funny ways in which they come.

barbersMonday we were driving to the swimming pool and past a barber shop. I said, why is the sign of the barbers that red and white swerling thing? It seems more like a policeman thing to me. The girls said, no, it is barbers’ traditional thing, but why we didn’t know.

Today, Wednesday, I am listening to¬†Kryon, which is not the one I usually listen to because I don’t like his preaching theatrical style. And I am skipping through the video like crazy, stopping if these is anything making any sense to me at all. So, I stop and listen for a minute, and he says something about ailing people 2oo years ago going to the barbers shop to be healed, where they would be bled. “By the way, this is why the barbers’ sign is a red and white pole”! Thanks for letting me know, Kryon! ūüôā


On the Road to God

April 30, 2013

August 18, 2009 I wrote:

“Yes, I am going back to God.
It isn’t easy, and I’d have given up if there were anywhere better to go…”

F****! It is 2013 and I am still in the same shit! I am so tired. I want to be home already…

Art and God

January 8, 2010

Like it!

This here is my kind of humor. In general, and in particular the way I feel at the moment…

I knew I was God!..

November 30, 2009

Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

November 30, 2009

God and I. We had words.

August 18, 2009

I drew myself today.

And it felt rather good. Don’t know why I was afraid of doing it, kept postponing and procrastinating. I felt relieved, back in something real, back in somewhere honest.

¬†And yes, I am going to God. It isn’t easy. I would have given up, if there were anywhere better to go. I guess I am supposed to say “going BACK to God”, except that I don’t have any recollections of home.

I don’t think being with God has anything to do with being moral. Morality is of our human making, therefore it is very subjective. Also morality is inherently judgemental. While God is all-encompassing and all-accepting. What I want to say is, my giving in to God doesn’t mean I am going to be all nice and fluffy from now on. On the contrary, I feel like it might get rather nasty until I get through this intermediate bit.

Yesterday I, for some reason, had a major wobbly in this Course. Really, have had enough! If this ambiguous Christ character were anywhere near me, I would have enjoyed hammering a couple of nails into him myself. Why be so enigmatic? Why keep talking in a language which is open to all sorts of interpretations? Why can’t he explain things in a straight forward way once and for all? Is there any straight forward way to explain things? If not, is there a problem with the idea itself perhaps? Or what?

And it keeps saying, that we are not the body. Neither the mind. All is illusion around us. We are illusion, except that bit inside, which is indestructible, so forget about the body, it is only an illusion. If something or somebody harms it, it isn’t really happening. Just ignore it. So, do I understand it right, that if something chops a bit off you, if only you can not believe into the harm being done, the harm won’t be done, hence the bit chopped off will grow back momentarily? If this isn’t what was meant in this Course in Miracles, not literally, then what is exactly the purpose of this Course – to make the mind let go of the illusion of Life and the Life itself? Is the return to the Source only possible by discharging the Body, or at least giving up on its conventional functions/interactions?

Right. Once I am ready to die, I’ll die and know the truth anyway. And until then I am going to enjoy as best I can what I’ve got – the body, the illusion of the world around me – warts and all. If I got it, might as well make the best of it. And if it all is so illusionary and not real and no good, then why issuing it out in the first place?!

That was more or less my yesterday’s wobbly, minus hysterics, tears and snot. But today, as I said, I am going to God. Because is there anywhere better to go?..

As far as the¬†spiritual¬†structure concerned, I’ve figured the following:

– Adopting any existing structure is not for me. The more religious, dogmatic, devotional it is – the more repelling;

– Taking any given philosophy/teaching on the whole is not for me;

– My way is – pick & mix.

The philosophy I am forming  in principal is very simple. My teaching says: be non-judgemental, be happy, be limitless, be flexible, live for the joy of it.

On replay, many things about life I suspected to be odd, turn out to be  coming from the wrong premise, but only now I am finding some verbal confirmations to my feelings from sources other than my gut, which allows me to feel confident about myself. Finally! I am not saying I am cleverer, sainter or better than the others. At the times when I had a deep hidden suspicion of something fishy going on, I mostly still acted as everyone Рaccording to the rules of the moment, eg wrongly.

Amongst the few rare precious moments of near-unity with “The Spirit”, the one I really thirst to re-experience, was an occasion, when the existence in a body felt so highly illogical. That probably illustrates¬† how I in particular am more of a logical thinker, than a “sencer”, even in the realm of things spiritual. Lately I was trying to sensitise myself more to the finer vibrations (seems to be the word of the week!), but a chat with Ann reminded me, that I should be¬†occasionally still¬†using my brain!

Yes. The structure. I am getting back into a routine, after successfully for a year kicking myself out of it. The routine will loosely drape itself around  work, girls, yoga and meditation. I looked into tai chi, but it seems to be a touch too complicated for the time being. Surprisingly for myself, my body accepted the yoga with little resistance, so be it.

Point of living

May 9, 2009

I decided, that the whole point of living is actually having fun.  And all the great teachers were talking precisely about that, only the further in time, the more the message got distorted, and for centuries millions and millions were doing the suffering, imagining, that that was the instruction.

…and a teacher

April 22, 2009

Looking for a structure is linked up with a search for the spiritual teacher. I am looking. Or waiting.

Another thing which was a barrier on my way of accepting the spiritual nature of my search is my association of the word “spiritual” with all sorts of creepy sects, people with mental problems, dancing and chanting in some cellars and then setting themselves collectively on fire or such like… Well, they are out there still, but that’s not what the spirituality is about. Same way as if someone puts a beret on his head and grows a beard and assumes an absent, dreamy¬†look on their face, that doesn’t make them an artist. Seems simple now, but took me long time to sort the things out. I am a naive peasant girl, after all!

And so, I am looking.

It is Wednesday. I feel as some resistance in me is gradually lifting up. I think I allow the destiny to take it course and allow myself to believe, that that course will be the most exciting, happy and beneficial for me and all my people. Now I can see the meaning of the events in the past. The way they each gave me a little glimpse of what I am, what my life is about.

I understand now my preferences in art and what the art is for me. And why. And understanding that gives me the acceptance of my own way. Hurah! I needn’t resist being myself any more! ūüôā


The art is not the goal in itself. It doesn’t have any meaning, any value of its own. The art is a tool of telling a story.

We, human beings, are constantly trying to decipher what we are in general, as human beings, and what each of us is, as a unique individual. Each life is like writing up a story. My life is writing up a story. My art is a tool of writing up a story.

I never felt that mad about art, and used to beat myself up for not being passionate enough about it. But it is fine now, no need to be passionate about something as limited as¬†one way of art making.¬†Because the life is much bigger than that, and to write an exciting story of a life, one mustn’t limit one-self to one form of creativity.

No use trying to squeeze myself into the trodden path, to comply, to follow the rules. I am too big for that. That’s what I didn’t realise before! I’ll shape my own path by letting myself to be…